To be honest, there were days I doubted if I would ever get to write a blog post like this. Those days were more recent of course, because growing up I never even knew the “m word” was a possibility.
Nick and I got married on September 25, 2015. We had talked before we got married that we would wait 2 years before we started to try for children. We wanted to experience life as newlyweds and we wanted to lay a sturdy foundation for our family. We wanted control and to call the shots. 🙂
Our plan kind of changed a little in May of 2016. We decided my body needed a rest from “the pill” and who were we to try to control so much of our lives. Looking back on it, I remember the conversation. It was so innocent and we had no idea what God had in store for us.
July 3rd, 2016 we saw 2 pink lines and joyfully laughed about the journey we were about to take on. I will give you the short version because I shared so much on this post and this post already. God had other plans for that pregnancy and on August 8th we would experience our first miscarriage around 8 weeks.
Heartbroken, but strong we picked ourselves and went back to life as we knew it. Looking back, we probably never truly grieved the loss we had experienced. We took a trip to Washington, we celebrated our first anniversary, and the holidays took over.
The holidays swept through our lives and January 2017 started our new year. We prayed for a family in the year 2017. As we dreamt about our family, we decided we would start looking for our first home. In all of the commotion of house hunting, those 2 pink lines appeared again on January 27th. House hunting was put on hold.
We would go on to see a heartbeat of our precious baby. Despite my gut saying “something is wrong”, I listened to the outside world say “this time is different”. It was different alright, but it was the same all together.
Our hearts would break again on February 24th when we were told that baby stopped growing. On February 28th we would lose our second baby.
I fell apart, retreated, questioned EVERYTHING I thought about myself. I doubted if I heard God’s “you will be a mother” correctly. I feared what was ahead and considered NOT trying again. I didn’t think I could take it on.
Our first due date came and went in the middle of grieving our second loss. I felt so lonely, even in the midst of everyone extending a helping hand.
I felt tremendous envy accompanied by guilt by the waves of pregnancy announcements in social media. The envy and guilt rollercoaster was overwhelming, to say the least. I finally turned it off for 30 days. I needed to heal.
We were told to wait 2 months before “trying” again. I became extremely focused on improving my health and reducing my stress. Acupuncture, changing things in our household, removing negative energies, focusing on God, and nourishing my body.
In May I decided I wasn’t ready yet and decided in June I would start a fertility cleanse. Put off “trying” for one more month. I was excited, I was in need of a cleanse. I was in need of relief. I felt like I needed a break from disappointment.
Here’s where it changed
On Sunday May 27th we attended church. During worship I closed my eyes to focus on the lyrics of the song.
“Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me….”
I can tell you what I was wearing that day. I can tell you where I was standing in our church. In that moment, eyes closed, I saw Jesus extend a child to me and connect a bright light to my womb.
In my head I just believed it was like all the other moments. I believed I created an image in my head of what I desired most, but it was a manmade vision. I continued on with my day without giving much thought to it. God had plans for that vision.
The following day… May 28th… we received 2 pink lines, again. Surprised, but comforted. My immediate reaction, before any fears set in was “this is it”. I remembered the moment the day before standing in church. I did my best to surrender and allow it all to sink in.
The weeks following were filled with weekly sonograms, HcG blood draws, and prescription progesterone. Everyone was hoping, fighting, and praying for this child.
There were fears and anxiety, but there was reassurance. I was scared, but I have a husband who is sturdy as a rock. Each week our sonograms would have more growth, a heartbeat, and slowly our little one would take shape. Slowly… I would realize this was different.
Faith… Hope… It didn’t come easy. It took effort. It took prayers.
In moments of doubt and questioning, I would see butterflies drifting through the sky. Days where God would deliver me a butterfly right in the middle of a mid-drive prayer. I knew… I still know… those are Heaven sent for reassurance. Because of that, butterflies have taken on a new significance in our household.
I’d remember that day in church where God so faithfully showed me He had heard our prayers.
As my fingers type, my belly is popping with the movement of our little bear at 22 weeks. More than halfway to holding this child in our arms.
God works in the most mysterious ways. When He wants our attention, He will get it however He sees fit. Heartache isn’t forever and as cliche as it sounds, there is always a reason. It hurt. It hurt more than I can describe, but God needed to pull us closer.In the real world, a beautiful & bright rainbow follows a storm & gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. A rainbow baby is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. Our double rainbow baby is such a blessing!
We are anxious for the arrival of 2018 and for the arrival of our precious child. I pray daily that God keeps His safe hand on our baby. I am grateful for the growth I was forced to do over the last year. I can’t imagine my life without the heartache and chaos. I can’t imagine who
I WE would be without it.
I would by lying if I said that I didn’t have fears or concerns. I try to focus on Who is in control. Each week brings us closer.
If I am going to be able to teach our children how to love God and trust God always, it’s going to have to start with me… right now. Every day is a new opportunity to strengthen my faith.
At the right time, I, the LORD, will make it happen.
– Isaiah 60:22